I really don’t know how to communicate or talk to people. I wish I were the kind of girl that was bubbly and friendly and outgoing…that everyone loves. Like…yay! I can’t wait to see Melanie!…I’ll call Melanie first about this. She’s my favorite friend…she’ll know what to do. Instead I come across as being cold and distant and rude. Like I don’t feel for anyone or care about what anyone else has to say. And this isn’t true…I care so much about other people. I probably care and worry more about other people’s happiness than my own, since the two often seem to directly affect each other. Its not like people don’t give me chances…when I first meet someone, they are always trying to be friendly to me. But, again, I don’t know how to converse or do anything that shows that I actually care…so in their heads I remain sort of an acquaintance-type-friend, while they go on to find someone who is able to do what I can’t…and they become close friends with them. I have quite a few friends, but only a couple I can think of right off the bat who I would refer to as being close…because they’ve given me more chances than other people have.
The thing I find fascinating about outgoing people is their ability to act like each person they have a serious conversation with is their only friend and confident. I’m not sure if their caring is genuine or fake, but it comes across as being genuine which is all people really care about. Often times someone who has just finished having a very realistic and genuinely caring conversation with someone will roll their eyes behind the person’s back and say how annoying they are. They have this ability to communicate fake caring towards people, while I’m unable to communicate genuine caring towards people. And in the end, they’re the ones that always end up on top…because people care about outward personalities, not how good my intentions might be. And the thing is, I fall for it too…if I were them I wouldn’t talk to me either. haha. I’d want a response…something to make me feel better or to solve my problem. Even if that response was fake.
Sorry about the rambling…I’m in a weird mood. lol. Anyway…today sucked on various different levels. But at least I got to come home early since my mom had a doctor’s appointment. And we’re having enchiladas tonight for dinner so thats exciting.